Like most kids, I was also taught by my parents how to pray and say the rosary. The very first memory I had where I felt genuinely close to God was when my mom took me to the church on my birthday (I cannot recall how old I was back then), and she told me to just talk to God and say my gratitude for becoming a year older, and I just talked and talked in my head and my mom had to drag me out of the church because I don't want to leave anymore. Another memory I could recall was that every morning before going to work, our parents would give us reminders to read the bible, and one time my brother and I were reading, and I told him "I could see some demons dancing in the words..." and my brother just told me, "Just read...God knows you're reading."

When we started living in this neighborhood, the place was still bare (we were one of the first 10 families to live here) and it was somewhere in the mid-90s when we had masses celebrated here - before, we would still go to the next subdivision to hear mass. When the chapel was constructed, I became a part of the Glee Club in school, and because most of us live here, we became part of the choir as well.

Hmmm... you think I am this very religious kid then, huh? Well, in some degree, I could say that I am spiritual, but as embarrassing it is to admit, my heart wasn't completely in it. Sure, at some point I join the bible studies, and that I attend the Sunday masses, but somehow I didn't feel really connected.

In 1992, my parents joined the Catholic organization Couples for Christ. I never thought my dad would join that, but he did. I was happy that they joined, but I was at some point angry as well. I remember it was my elementary graduation, and I finished third in class. It was supposed to be a joyous day for me and my family - but for my dad to say "Go look for your brother, we can't walk back home with you because we still have to attend the Christian Life Program," it crushed me. While most of my classmates were celebrating with their families, I walked home alone, with my medal at hand. I spent my night eating canned sardines on cold rice because my parents were more excited to attend the CLP rather than fix something for daughter.

Still, I joined the Youth for Christ because my parents said so and because my brother was part of it, too. However, being the wallflower that I am, blending in the crowd was tough for me and I didn't become an active member. I would still attend the Sunday masses, but my connection with God was just like that - shallow.






As I grew older, the only time I would talk to God was whenever exams were coming up, or if I am faced with a dilemma. My parents were urging me to join Singles for Christ, but I didn't want to. The distance I created between me and God was a bridge that was difficult to cross, but my dad would always use me as his audience whenever he wants to practice a teaching or a topic he needs to discuss with the fellow siblings in Couples for Christ. Somehow, based on the teachings he indirectly shared on me, God was using him to bridge the gap.

My dad was no longer around when the voice of God called on me to join the community. I was walking in the mall and took out my cell phone and sent a message to brother asking, "Will it be so selfish to say that I wanted to join Singles for Christ just because I wanted to travel?" He replied something like, "On the surface, it is really selfish, but believe me in time you will know the real reason." Completing the Christian Life Program and meeting people who are just like me (broken but trying to pick up the pieces) made me realize that there really are deeper reasons. If I wanted to travel, why not book a flight? Why join SFC? Because God was pursuing me and He didn't give up on me.

I am not super religious. There are times I don't attend the Sunday masses, there are times that I don't attend activities of the SFC (Currently I am at a crossroad and I just don't know how to cross the bridge again), but I am very happy to say that I am no longer prayer just for the heck of it, and I am understanding the depth of the word "prayer." For some it meant asking God for something... I have learned that "prayer" can also be something to be thankful for, or something to consult to God - just like writing on a diary or just like picking up the phone in the wee hours just to talk to a friend. I still have a lot of things to patch up - I owe my SFC siblings a lot of explanations, but then again, just like the father welcomed Cain in open arms, I know God will never close the door on me, and I know my SFC family would always be there for me.

I am still a mess, and I need God to help me get clean.

*** Jenn ***

ps - the first picture on this post was taken Feb 2009 in the grounds of Cebu Cathedral. We took part of the 2009 SFC International Conference, and prior to the conference, there was a Pilgrimage Tour (was that redundant?) and it was just amazing to be in the right place at the right time, because when we reached the Cathedral, the people were welcoming the miraculous image of the Birhen sa Simala Lindogon. It was one of the highlights of my Cebu trip - some of the tour guides told us we were so lucky to be staying inside the church grounds and that the staffs didn't ask us to leave. :)

Second picture was taken July 2009 during the Singles for Christ Metro Manila Conference in Baguio City. The theme of that conference was "The Christ Pursuit," which really hit my heart big time. I was just sad that I wasn't able to attend the conferences this year (the SFC MMC will be this weekend), but I really am looking forward to get back in the circulation.